Thursday, March 15, 2007

Changes. Again.

Weird things have been happening to me lately. Again. Maybe it's just some sort of spring fever or mid-life crisis, but I doubt it. Every now and then it's just time to... shift... change.

A lot of the changes can be seen in my journaling, as in, lately I haven't been doing much. I've been focused on more off line based ventures. There's a lot of cleaning I need and just want to get caught up on. There are craft projects I'm aching to get back to (or begin), but deny myself that luxury until the cleaning is done. There are books that I'm itching to read, but again I deny myself until the cleaning is done. I guess you could say I've grounded myself. Minimal fun until the work is done. But beyond all those things that must be done, I've just been spending more time with my daughter.

So what do I do when I am on line? I pick at Halo's brain, wanting something new and fresh for my web site (which she so generously gives me the space for <3<3<3) and decide that my old on line journal (I do so dislike the word 'blog') is just all wrong for the tie-in to whatever she and I come up with for the new site. How do I know this when I don't even know what we'll be coming up with? Because I just do. I know her. I know me. I know us. And for the first time in a long time, I can clearly see what my goal is.

With both what I want and what she'll most likely give me in mind, I set up a new journal. This journal. At least, I start to.

See, right about then is when K. gets sick with one of her out-of-nowhere fevers that runs right up to the edge of 103, but never quite crosses that line, and lasts for two or three days. They leave her exhausted, and they leave me exhausted because even though she sleeps through most of the burning, I don't. I hover over her, not sleeping and checking on her every hour or so (or every time she groans in her sleep). And they make my days ohsovery nonproductive.

During all of this, A. is out of town on business. He's due back today. I have to pick him up from the airport this afternoon (on the other side of town) then rush to a parent-teacher conference this evening (back on this side of town) and somehow not be late because of all the rush hour traffic. It's one of the few times we're sanctioning fast food.

Spring break is next week, and chances are that A. will be working from home during that time (ha!) so I don't foresee me accomplishing much next week. Perhaps after that, with him out of town again and her back in school, I'll be able to sit down and focus on something, anything.

But I wonder about that with a crooked little smile, because really? Who am I kidding? I'm insanely busy even on my "laziest" or slow days. And something I've recently figured out is that I don't mind that so much. It's the life I chose, and it's the life I lead. I stay busy because I want to be busy. I just have to organize it better so that I can fit everything I want to do into the all too short days and still manage to get enough sleep at night.

I guess little by little, this new dream will come together. It'll get done. It'll just take some time. And I'm ok with that.

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