This, that, and some of that, too.

So, my little vampire called off the trip to the movie again today. Pity. I actually wanted to go today. I could have used the distraction.

A. is due in... sometime today. He called early yesterday afternoon to tell me "done here!" and let me know he was trying to get an earlier flight back. Unless someone at the office changes his flight plans for him, he's stuck. Unless he can catch a standby seat. Either way, I probably won't know until he's landed and texting me with "landed".

Despite her desire to sleep all day, I need to rouse the little vampire so that we can run some of the other errands we had to do today. Top of that list is taking her updated physical form over to the school. After that, um, I don't know. Most of today was planned around the movie and trip to the airport.

I've got to call my mom and see how things are going with my grandfather and find out if he's going into the hospital today and if she needs any help. I feel like I should be there but I'm sure my grandfather doesn't want the kid or I there while he's so sick. Especially the kid, and I really don't have anywhere to stick her until school starts. And I know my mom won't want the kid around because she (my mom) is prone to crying these past few days with her stress levels creeping into worrisome highs, and she just doesn't cry or be upset around her granddaughter.

I'd go to the bookstore to kill a few hours (seriously, I could happily spend days there) but I'm good on books for the moment -- more than good, actually -- and I'd never be able to spend that much time there without buying a stack of books. (The number of books I walk out with increases exponentially with amount of time I spend in the store.)

I keep thinking there's a reason I need to hit either WalMart or Target, but I'm at a loss as to what that reason might be. There's just this nagging pull toward the store that I'm resisting until I know WHY I need to be there. Eventually it will come to me. I hope.

My horoscope has me... smirking.

Your horoscope for Wednesday, Aug 06, 2008
Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

Public recognition may finally be on the way, but you still need to be patient as one thing after another delays the completion of a project. Lack of progress has probably increased your frustration, making you eager or even desperate to get the job done. But don't talk yourself into taking bold action now, for it's not likely a good move. Recognizing that your perspective is bent out of shape today gives you good reason to wait a little bit longer.

Lack of progress has PROBABLY increased my frustration? Oh please. My frustration level has been at a dangerous high lately. If I don't start writing again soon my head will explode. Seriously. Luckily, A. is a smart man and realizes this and is trying to work with me to make that happen.

Maybe that's what I'll do if I'm not needed anywhere else today. I'll work on some character development. I can sit and talk to people in my head for a few hours, learning all sorts of interesting things about them. Maybe after I've gotten to know some of the voices in my head better, they'll tell me their stories. Maybe.

That's it for now.

Blue skies, world.

So very tired now.

Sweet merciful... I am exhausted.

"Very long, very hot day" doesn't even begin to describe it, but there it is.

It's... Monday... and the menu has already been scrambled. Every single meal today was altered. Seriously. I can only hope the week gets better.

Apparently, despite having had such a loooooong day of not being home and not getting to eat dinner until after 8pm, K. still wants to catch the movie tomorrow morning. I suppose we'll see if that happens or not in the morning. Standing rule: if she doesn't get out of bed and isn't ready by 8am (ideally we need to leave no later than 845am) then we don't go.

We found the Village Inn where the writers group meets and, well, I'm already a huge quivering bundle of nerves. As I told A. earlier today, I have no problem driving there by myself but it's going to take a minor miracle to get me out of the car and inside the building. It's been a very, very, VERY long time since I've gone anywhere or done anything like this by myself. On top of the "going someplace new and meeting and talking to strange people" nerves, this involves my writing. And I'm super sensitive and shy about my writing.

I think I need to stop thinking about it and just go to bed now.

Sweet dreams, world.

Menu - July 13 - 19, 2008

Yeah, yeah, I've been a serious slacker for several weeks. Sometimes life just demands that I be away from my computer(s) and be, basically, absent from most people's field of vision. That's just the way it works and I'm old enough to have learned not to struggle against it.

Not much has happened that I care to have posted for all the world to see, but there has been quite a flurry of activity of late. So! Random pros and cons from among the stuff I'm willing to share with the world. Mainly because I'm too tired to do anything but make lists. In no particular order, just as they fall out of my head.

Pro - my cousin hatched a beautiful baby boy over the weekend. Holding him in my arms before he was even 24 hours old very nearly eradicated more than a week's worth of stress and exhaustion, though I will be the first to admit that I was nowhere near as exhausted as she was. Or on the wonderful drugs the hospital gave her. Of course, that didn't stop me from sleeping for close to twelve hours last night.

Con - the secondary hard drive on the computer on the desk is fried. This has been a hugely devastating blow to me because it's where I have... had... all of my graphics, my family history files, almost four years worth of writing research files, and a host of other stuff that was exclusively mine. None of it was backed up. It was a slave drive. It shouldn't have fried. I know better now.

Pro - I know better now, and am now the proud new owner of a 360GB external hard drive that is compatible with both my laptop and the computer on the desk. And it's all mine.

Pro - other than the research files (which I'll never be able to duplicate), none of my writing files were lost. I do have all my writing backed up on flash drives, and after last week, those backups are even current.

Pro - I have a dear friend that is such a wonderful computer geek. I'm shipping him my fried slave drive to see if he can salvage anything. I know better than to have any hope because when I kill computer parts I do a mighty fine job of it, but if anyone can coax that drive to cough anything up, it'd be him.

Pro - I've been toying with the idea of a new story and am quite eager to work on it.

Con - Getting any research done to further develop that new story idea is proving to be quite impossible for a wide variety of reasons, and that's driving me just a wee bit batty.

Con - Despite some fantastic ideas, I've gotten absolutely no writing done in the past month or so and I do believe my head is going to explode soon.

Pro - I've been holding off that skull explosion with massive amounts of book reading. You know, whenever I'm not having stress-induced meltdowns.

Pro - I got a new bra. I think I love it. I think I might have to order another in the same style but in a different color.

Con - My weight has been fluctuating wildly. My weight loss endeavors have not been going all that well, but what can I honestly expect when my eating and sleeping habits have been so wildly erratic?

I do think that's all I'm willing to share, so on with the menu.

As always, much gratitude for Laura at I'm an Organizing Junkie for hosting Menu Plan Monday.

Sunday
breakfast: waffles
lunch: sandwiches, chips
dinner: dinner out (Outback)

Monday
breakfast: cereal, OJ
lunch: leftovers / sandwiches, fruit
dinner: chicken fillets, mac & cheese, broccoli, lima beans, salad

Tuesday
breakfast: scrambled eggs, grits, hash browns, OJ
lunch: sandwiches, fruit
dinner: flat bread melts (*note to self: post this recipe*), french fries (home-made), salad

Wednesday
breakfast: cereal, OJ
lunch: ??? (grocery shopping)
dinner: tacos, salad

Thursday
breakfast: eggs, grits, hash browns, OJ
lunch: sandwiches, fruit
dinner: mystery meat (I think it's boneless pork chops), rice, broccoli, salad

Friday
breakfast: cereal, OJ
lunch: sandwiches, fruit
dinner: beans (*note to self: post this recipe*), rice, corn bread (*ditto*), salad

Saturday
breakfast: pancakes
lunch: ???
dinner: shepherd's pie

Sweet dreams, world.

Redecorating. Sort of.

So. The menu isn't ready for this week. I have vague ideas about what K. and I will be eating (A. leaves town Tuesday afternoon and returns Friday night) but they're still in my head. I'll shake them loose after I'm closer to being done with stage one of the "Fix the Living Room" project.

Today has been spent listening to a Rambo festival (I now have all the Rambo movies!! *squee*) while I figured out what to do with all the stuff that was on the old desk and has been (and is still currently) piled atop the dining room table (and, um, under it) since last night.

We went from a 60 inch wide computer desk with a hutch (over 15 years old so it wasn't designed for a tower set up) to a computer armoire that's just about 35 inches wide and 54 inches tall. It gives us more room in the living room (step two is the six foot tall, 72-inch wide entertainment center which will give us even more room) and I love the armoire idea. I love having the computer and printer out of sight when it's not in use (which, admittedly, isn't that often *laughs* but it DOES happen from time to time). I love having more room in the living room for furniture to sit on (that's step three). The problem comes from the fact that I use roughly 90 to 95% of the stuff on the former desk on a semi-regular to regular basis.

But! But!! I have ideas!!

I don't actually sit at the desk to write, though I do have to sit there to print. (My printer and laptop don't play nice together so I have to print off the backup files on my flash drive.) The desk is where I sometimes pay bills and where K. has monitored access to the internet (one of the big reasons we keep that computer; I won't allow my 11- almost 12-year-old to have internet access in her room). As I said, it's were I sit to print and, really, a lot of my household files are still on the computer on the desk because A. bought me my laptop for me to write on and I really do keep resisting the urge to transfer AAAALL my household files to it (though I did transfer over the most important ones). Seeing as how I don't sit at the desk to write, there's no point in all my writing-related office supplies (reference books, note cards, sticky notes, blahblahblah) hogging up space at the desk. All that stuff needs to find a new home closer to where I'm prone to doing actual research: at the dining room table where I can spread things out. There are two book cases (each at least twenty years old so they're the BIG cases that are so hard to find today) by the dining room table. Surely I can give up at least ONE shelf worth of books to make room for my writing-related office supplies, right? If I'm really lucky, I can clear two shelves and make room for some of my "writer's block/brain freeze toys", too, but since not all the books on the shelves belong to me, I can't make that call. Well, actually I sort of can since A.'s already gone through the partial shelf of his books and that leaves, um, mine. (I'm a book hog... )

The papers that were in the file drawers... eesh. I don't know yet. The old desk had two deep file drawers that held a lot of random research material and general paperwork (not to mention my stationary, my writer's block toys, and other stuff). The new desk has one small drawer under the printer shelf that's both wide and tall enough to hold some hanging files, but it's only deep enough to hold maybe a dozen. I think it's deep enough to hold all the household financial files. Maybe. The rest of the stuff...? I don't know. I'll be spending this week while A. is out of town sorting through and re-evaluating a lot of my stuff. I do have a free-standing two-drawer file cabinet (that's old and needs to be replaced, too) that holds files now. If I do this right, I may be able to dedicate one drawer of that to my research and the other drawer to general household files that don't go in the desk (bills in desk, manuals and such in filing cabinet). Right now it's all speculation, though. I've got a lot of stuff to sort out. Before I start sorting though, I need to work on clearing some space on the bookcases... something I hadn't anticipated doing until much further down the line.

And in the middle of all this "life renovation" chaos, life goes on. K. gets out of school for the summer on Wednesday. A. leaves town Tuesday afternoon and doesn't come home until Friday night. My tomatoes are growing. The pepper plants are dying. And so on and so forth.

And eventually, I'll get the menu made and posted. Eventually. Maybe. Right now, I just want to curl up in a blanket and listen to the night.

100 words - July 7

7
I looked out the window at the clear blue sky and sighed. It was such a miserably hot day. Heat waves rolled up off the road and made the view ahead of me shimmer. Stretching my arm out the window brought some of the passing air into the hot car, but it brought no real relief against the heat. “Even the wind is hot…” I murmured and cranked the volume on the radio to deafening levels when Magic Carpet Ride by Steppenwolf started to play. The wind was hot, too, like the desert wind blowing across a dried out world.

100 words x 2 (July 5 - 6)

5
I’ve been toying with copper wire again. It’s so easy to practice wrapping all sorts of things with copper, assuming you can get it in the right gauge.

I’ve been working with 18 gauge copper (round and half-hard) lately because that’s all I’ve had. I’m in the market to find some 20 gauge. I’ll have to do that over the internet, which really sucks because I’ve been trying to curb my internet purchases this year.

Oh, wait, that 20 gauge copper wire is not all I have. I forgot that I do have some 16 gauge soft brass wire, too.

6
I don’t like the 16 gauge soft brass wire. Maybe it’s my lack of hand strength or maybe just the way the wire feels. I don’t suppose it really matters. I just don’t like working with it as much as I like the 18 gauge copper wire. I’m hoping the 20 gauge copper wire will be as wonderful to play with. I know that it will give a whole new dimension to the bookmarks and other things I create.

And eventually I’ll get around to silver and gold and doing actual jewelry but for now, I’m enjoying my copper designs.

100 words - July 4

4

In the past I’ve noticed that most everything I write emerges in a passive voice. Recently, I’ve been working on amending that, but I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s harder than it sounds. My brain just doesn’t want to think in an active voice.

This has me wondering if I should continue trying to adjust my way of thinking so that I can write in the active voice from the start or if I should just slam out the words in a passive voice so that I can finish the story then edit it to make it more active.

100 words... times 3

1

So tired. The headache lurking around the edges of my brain all week threatening to become a migraine has taken a step closer to that goal.

A. has my car today which means my plans for the post office are pushed back until tomorrow. It also means I won't die in a horribly fatal and flaming car crash like so many of my dreams have indicated over the past week or so.

I overslept again today by 2 hours. Not a big deal for a housewife, some might think, but it’s killing me in ways I can't begin to describe.

2

“It’s dark outside.”

A voice comes from inside my head and sounds as if there should be a smirk attached. “Of course it’s dark outside, it’s the middle of the night.”

I ignore the voice and start again. “It’s dark outside. I can hear the patter of the rain against the roof. Every now and again I hear the rolling rumble of thunder and…”

The voice scoffs. “Rolling rumble of thunder? You can’t be serious.”

I very nearly shout as I continue on. “…and see brilliant flashes of lightning through the space where the curtains don’t quite meet the walls.”

3

I’m supposed to write another 100 words today, and I’m drawing a complete blank. There’s nothing lurking in the dusty, cob-web covered corners of my mind wanting to be written. I’m just… blank.

I sit here in front of my computer, my iPod shuffle pumping Metallica playing with an orchestra into my skull at rather high volumes and even that’s not shaking any ideas loose. Behind me, my husband sprawls on the couch watching something or another on Nova. The daughter is… I don’t know where she is, exactly, but probably in her room reading again.

Hey look, 100 words…

Summer, writing, and choices

I haven't been doing a lot on the internet lately. I haven't been reading forums or blogs,writing in my own blog(s), nor reading or responding to e-mail. As my excuse I say "Life has been in the way", but the truth is that I made the choice to back away from the 'net for a while. Not only did I need a serious break from the internet life, but there were - and are still - other things that I wanted to be doing with my time.

And that's what it boils down to, isn't it? The choices we make in life.

K. is out of school for the summer, and I'm wanting this summer to be a little more special than previous summers. I'm less crazy than I have been in recent years, thanks to a stabilized schedule and (more or less) regular sleep, and I really just want to spend time doing things with my daughter; things that she wants to do, things that I want to do, things that we want to do.

While it's a no-brainer choice for me to spend time with her, I'm finding that it will take more effort and work than I first thought. With limited funds (not to mention rising prices all across the board - rent, electric rates, gas, food) we have to figure out frugal/cheap ways to accomplish almost everything but staying home. We have to make choices about driving somewhere to do something fun or sitting at home and reading (or worse, watching tv). We have to figure out a way to acquire the supplies we need for projects. We have to figure out what we can make for lunch out of the food we have on hand.

It all comes down to choices. Even to the point of how we choose to react to circumstances beyond our control.

I suppose we, as a family, would be better off financially if I had continued to work all the years of the past decade, but me staying home (whenever possible) was a choice A. and I made together. If I were working, K. would be shuffled off to some daycare-type facility every day this summer. There would be no curling up on the couch together to watch the mid-morning cooking shows on PBS. There would be morning frolics in the pool. There would be no days spent sprawling at the library. There would be no impromptu visits to visit her great-grandparents - my grandparents - whom she is lucky enough to know in this age when few children know their parents, let alone their grandparents. There would be no letting K. sleep late then tickling her out of bed. There would be no early-afternoon phone calls from friends, no learning to cook, no weekly visits to the zoo to play with the stingrays or feed the laurakeets. This is the choice that I, with my husband, made: to give her these things, and so much more.

But that choice has cost us. Much of society sees our family as dysfunctional because only one parent works. More often than not I'm seen by outsiders as being a burden to my husband, judged to be lazy and worthless because I "contribute nothing" toward the finances. Yes, we would most likely already be in the house we want by now if I had been working all these years... but I wouldn't have been able to spend school vacations and summers with my daughter. I wouldn't have been able to be at home to take care of her when she was sick without worrying about my job. And then there's the pesky little feeling that I wouldn't have been the one raising her all these years if I had been handing her off to some daycare every morning on my way to work and letting them take her to school, pick her up from school, and help her with her homework or play with her until 5 or 6 in the evening when I picked her up. It's the choice we made, and as far as I know, we're all happy with it. I have to remind myself of that sometimes when I stand while being judged. While my instinct may sometimes be to react with all the self-righteous fury I can muster, the cooler part of my intellect calmly whispers that I have the choice to be better than that. It reminds me that it really doesn't matter what others think because whenever I pose the going back to work question to A. and K., both of them prefer I stay home for a few more years.

That is the choice that we, as a family, have made.

There have been sacrifices that go beyond financial measures involved with our choice for me to stay home and raise our daughter. Personal sacrifices. I gave up a career (that I really didn't like anyway, but it could have been used as a stepping stone to something I would have loved). I've not been able to go back to school (yet). I gave up adult social interaction... human social interaction (I won't call them friends because they weren't). More recently, I've had to set aside my writing because it's less important to me than fixing the chaotic mess my family has become. This is a huge blow for me. I was just starting to feel the edges of my writing groove again. It is, however, the choice I'm making.

I'm not giving up the writing completely, though. In fact, my husband just recently agreed to me registering a domain in the name I've chosen to write under. For the next two years it is mine, and with a little luck (and a lot of hard work) I'll be able to do something with it besides point the URL to the blog*spot journal I have for that name. Maybe I'll even manage to get something published.

But I know I won't be able to really work on that goal until after the summer is over and she's back in school. While this does bother me some, I'm also ok with it. It's the choice I've made. My family comes first. My daughter comes first. I know that soon enough the chaos will be calmed, and eventually my daughter won't want to spend as much time with me. She'll have learned all she thinks she needs to learn from me and will venture out into the world to make her own choices. When that happens, I'll have all the silence, peace, and time I need to write. Until then, this is my choice.