Hmmm...

I... really... need to update my website.

That is all.

Blue skies,

This, that, and some of that, too.

So, my little vampire called off the trip to the movie again today. Pity. I actually wanted to go today. I could have used the distraction.

A. is due in... sometime today. He called early yesterday afternoon to tell me "done here!" and let me know he was trying to get an earlier flight back. Unless someone at the office changes his flight plans for him, he's stuck. Unless he can catch a standby seat. Either way, I probably won't know until he's landed and texting me with "landed".

Despite her desire to sleep all day, I need to rouse the little vampire so that we can run some of the other errands we had to do today. Top of that list is taking her updated physical form over to the school. After that, um, I don't know. Most of today was planned around the movie and trip to the airport.

I've got to call my mom and see how things are going with my grandfather and find out if he's going into the hospital today and if she needs any help. I feel like I should be there but I'm sure my grandfather doesn't want the kid or I there while he's so sick. Especially the kid, and I really don't have anywhere to stick her until school starts. And I know my mom won't want the kid around because she (my mom) is prone to crying these past few days with her stress levels creeping into worrisome highs, and she just doesn't cry or be upset around her granddaughter.

I'd go to the bookstore to kill a few hours (seriously, I could happily spend days there) but I'm good on books for the moment -- more than good, actually -- and I'd never be able to spend that much time there without buying a stack of books. (The number of books I walk out with increases exponentially with amount of time I spend in the store.)

I keep thinking there's a reason I need to hit either WalMart or Target, but I'm at a loss as to what that reason might be. There's just this nagging pull toward the store that I'm resisting until I know WHY I need to be there. Eventually it will come to me. I hope.

My horoscope has me... smirking.

Your horoscope for Wednesday, Aug 06, 2008
Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

Public recognition may finally be on the way, but you still need to be patient as one thing after another delays the completion of a project. Lack of progress has probably increased your frustration, making you eager or even desperate to get the job done. But don't talk yourself into taking bold action now, for it's not likely a good move. Recognizing that your perspective is bent out of shape today gives you good reason to wait a little bit longer.

Lack of progress has PROBABLY increased my frustration? Oh please. My frustration level has been at a dangerous high lately. If I don't start writing again soon my head will explode. Seriously. Luckily, A. is a smart man and realizes this and is trying to work with me to make that happen.

Maybe that's what I'll do if I'm not needed anywhere else today. I'll work on some character development. I can sit and talk to people in my head for a few hours, learning all sorts of interesting things about them. Maybe after I've gotten to know some of the voices in my head better, they'll tell me their stories. Maybe.

That's it for now.

Blue skies, world.

So very tired now.

Sweet merciful... I am exhausted.

"Very long, very hot day" doesn't even begin to describe it, but there it is.

It's... Monday... and the menu has already been scrambled. Every single meal today was altered. Seriously. I can only hope the week gets better.

Apparently, despite having had such a loooooong day of not being home and not getting to eat dinner until after 8pm, K. still wants to catch the movie tomorrow morning. I suppose we'll see if that happens or not in the morning. Standing rule: if she doesn't get out of bed and isn't ready by 8am (ideally we need to leave no later than 845am) then we don't go.

We found the Village Inn where the writers group meets and, well, I'm already a huge quivering bundle of nerves. As I told A. earlier today, I have no problem driving there by myself but it's going to take a minor miracle to get me out of the car and inside the building. It's been a very, very, VERY long time since I've gone anywhere or done anything like this by myself. On top of the "going someplace new and meeting and talking to strange people" nerves, this involves my writing. And I'm super sensitive and shy about my writing.

I think I need to stop thinking about it and just go to bed now.

Sweet dreams, world.

Morning!!

Yes, I'm painfully obnoxious when I've slept well and wake rested.

It did take some effort to get up this morning, though. I didn't get to bed until nearly quarter past midnight. It was the only way to ensure K. stayed in bed and, eventually, went to sleep (by accident, surely, while she was pretending to be asleep). I didn't hear the alarm at 5am, but had no urge to kill when A. woke me and asked if I was getting up. I did roll over to try and pull a twinge out of my right shoulder blade (the result of not moving all night) and ended up going back to sleep until twenty minutes later when A. poked me in the back and asked if I was getting up or not. So! Up at 5:20am, I was coherent enough to take a shower immediately. While getting dressed, I prodded K. awake and out the door we went.

It was a slowish 0.4 of a mile. Took about 12 minutes. A little faster than a stroll, not quite fast enough to work up a sweat. It was fast enough to perk up my grumbling child some (maybe it was the discussion about bats?) but not so fast that it twisted out my knee. I call that a win.

So here we are, just about 6:45am, and we're running a little later than either A. or I would like (he's got the goal of going to work earlier during the summer to put in a few extra hours as well as maybe leave a little a earlier from time to time for some summer fun) but we're more or less on track. Everyone is up, more or less dressed, breakfast has been consumed, and the day is getting underway. Today is the first day K. and I are following our summer schedule. It'll take a few weeks to become routine, but I think it will work. Or, rather, will work once I get my 11-year-old accustomed to getting up and walking at 530am every morning. Maybe I'll make her a trade; for every minute she spends walking with me, I'll spend with her playing on the x-box (not something I do well or even enjoy).

A. is gearing up to leave so K. and I need to tackle a few chores. Hopefully she'll actually DO her chores rather than slipping back into bed. She's swiped the kitchen timer so I have high hopes that she's actually working on her room. Guess that means it's time for me to get to work. I want enough stuff done that I can sit down to write without feeling guilty this afternoon. I like guilt-free writing.

Blue skies, world.

Menu - December 2 - 8, 2007

So... yeah, it's been a while. Life is still working on getting back to normal, or at least, my version of normal. It's taking some very detailed lists on my part, but slowly I'm getting back into the swing of things. I do need to work on getting to bed before 2 or 3am again, but I'm getting there.

I think the majority of my holiday gift shopping is done. I've got a lot of list making and revising to do to be sure, and then the wrapping begins. There's also the baking list to be seen to. I need to double check ingredients and make that shopping list... then I need to plan out a baking schedule. The next few weeks should be busy.

Having been awake until just after 5am this morning, I slept until just before noon and am... a bit... behind. My day is... off. Oddly, I doubt I'll have any trouble at all sleeping tonight... assuming I ever stop moving long enough to lie down and close my eyes, that is. Still, I need to get moving so that I try to catch up on some of the cleaning.

So, the purpose of this post. Food! And I've added lunches into my menu so that I don't have to think about what to eat while I'm so busy but still manage to actually eat. (I'm bad about skipping meals when I'm alone.)

As always, much gratitude for Laura at I'm an Organizing Junkie for hosting Menu Plan Monday.

Sunday
lunch: Wendy's (out shopping with Mom)
dinner: pot roast, leftover veggies

Monday
lunch: raw veggie plate (broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, dip) and grapes
dinner: fish (breaded cod for them & salmon for me), lima beans, baked potatoes, salad

Tuesday
lunch: raw veggie plate, grapes, cheese, crackers
dinner: chicken salad

Wednesday
lunch: ??? (shopping with Mom)
dinner: pork chops, corn, unknown peas (from mom), salad

Thursday
lunch: raw veggie plate, grapes, cheese
dinner: beans, rice, salad

Friday
lunch: cheese sandwich, chips
dinner: ground beef, leftover beans, tortillas, salad

Saturday
lunch: ???
dinner: pot roast, salad, broccoli, corn

I am still alive.

Ok, so, it's been a while. You think the lack of updating has been bad, you should see my mailbox. I've not managed to actually READ anything in months. At most I could sit in the chair and delete mail I knew I'd never read once I started reading my mail again (sales and other such "junk" that doesn't quite fall into the "spam" sector).

That should be changing now that my husband has bought me a shiny little laptop all of my very own. It somehow seemed easier for him to open a Best Buy credit card and charge what he did for this thing than it was for him to spend 1/4 of the amount on a decent chair and have to rearrange the living room again. The logic went something like "we could get the chair, but you'll still want a laptop and I'll end up buying both in the long run anyway. This way we'll have the Best Buy credit already established for appliance buying later when we need it and when we get a house we can buy furniture we like, not just settle for something because it's cheap now". Or something like that.

Then, lo, then there was a laptop in my hands and wee! I am a happy girl.

So. Catching up.

K.'s birthday went well. We had fun. There was mommy-made cake and home-made pizza and there were lots of presents. She made out like a bandit and was happy.

I kicked off November by having something that wanted to be the plague. After many hours of sleeping, I started feeling human again. I made the mistake, however, of thinking I was "fine" and started pushing myself to get things done again. It didn't last long. I've been on a roller coaster ever since. Right now I'm in a low spot, with a sore throat and violently swinging body temperatures. And I've not been sleeping again. Wee.

My birthday!! SURPRISE!!! I GOT A PARTY!!! It was a week early (he wanted my it to overshadow Thanksgiving, not the other way around) but there was cake (that I didn't order or bake or even know about!!) and food (ditto) and presents (that I didn't know about, let alone purchased and wrapped!). I was a happy girl. My mom scored me some of the writer's reference books I'd been hogging from the public library (you know it's time to buy the book when you've checked it out 13 times in the past 6 months), my brother got me a season of Airwolf on DVD, A. got me the entire Robin of Sherwood series on DVD, K. got me (with her own money, no less) on DVD, and K. and A. got me the original Highlander movie on DVD. This past weekend A. brought in the mail and there was a card from his dad for me. He sent me money with instructions to go buy me something for myself. He even underlined "yourself". Part of me wants to go buy a Christmas tree, part of me wants to put it towards this lap top, part of me wants to stash it in my savings account (4.5% interest! WOOHOO!!) and part of me wants to go to Bath & Body Works and the closest book store for a little retail therapy. For now, the money sits on my dresser in the card. I'll figure out what to do with it once my head clears.

Thanksgiving. It was... different. Instead of everyone in the family going to my grandparents', Mom and I shared cooking duties and had a buffet-style lunch over at her place while one of my aunts hosted dinner at her house. We hung out at Mom's all day while my grandparents went (were taken?) to a city an hour or so away to my aunt's. I still haven't heard from my grandparents. I've called a few times but no one answers the phone and I've stopped leaving messages because no one returns them.

Update on the apartment. The bathtub faucet still leaks, but at least it's a faucet and not a pipe. The bathroom no longer leaks and it drains now, too. There are still a lot of little minor things, but I'm not up to having them here to fix them, especially while I'm gearing up for Christmas.

The house hunting has been going slow. Molasses in winter slow. It's the time of year when the market is always slow, though. The real-estate agent that's been showing us houses... I don't think she understands us or our desires and/or needs. Yes, I still want to see houses, but don't send me emails telling me you hope I feel better indicating that you know I'm sick, then a few days later send me an email wishing me a blessed Thanksgiving and in that same email get all passive-aggressive with the need for reassurance. Truly. I'm not up to dealing with it at this time of year when I'm also sick. Also, I'm not looking at ANY house on a holiday weekend. Especially Thanksgiving or Christmas or New Year's. Or Easter. Or Valentine's Day. Or Mother's Day or Father's Day. Those are off limits, as are birthday weekends. So, yes, send information on houses and when there's one that I want to visit, I'll let you know. But I'm not going to look at houses in an area of town I don't want to live in. There's no point. And by the way, learn my daughter's name.

And I guess that's about it for today. Or at least, for now. I'm still trying to recover from Thanksgiving and get my apartment back in order and have a lot of chores to catch up on, and it's getting close to that time when I start pulling boxes out of the closet to decorate. Decorating is going to be a challenge this year because our "Christmas tree corner" now has my desk in it and I don't know where I'm going to put the tree. I'll... think of something. Probably after a nap.

Monday Musings

I woke up feeling mildly dehydrated and in one of those "off" moods that hovers somewhere around the outer edges of bad. It's the sort of mood that makes me feel rather anti-social and often has me pulling away from people, more often so that I don't inflict my mood upon anyone or, worse, dump everything I'm feeling at their feet by venting. Things like that have never work well for me, so over the years I've learned to pull back and isolate myself when I recognize the moods coming on. This makes me something of a loner, but one that often enjoys the company of people.

Recognizing that my mood was hovering on the outskirts of some bad territory, I spent much of the day trying to pinpoint the cause of this particular round of feelings. The primary reason being that I'm really tired of feeling this way with a (close) secondary concern about me slipping back into those days when depression consumed me entirely for weeks and even months at a time. I don't want to go back to that. I rather enjoy the light of day.

One of the things I did today to try and counter this "off" mood was sit down to have a cup of tea. Not just have tea with breakfast (which I skipped - I really need to stop doing that) or have tea on hand while I work on other things. Rather, a dedicated tea time. I haven't had one of those in a while, and I do miss it. During tea time, I sit quietly and savor the tea, letting my mind relax and go where it wills. Sometimes I pray. Sometimes I read the Bible. Sometimes I just sit with my eyes closed and listen to myself breathing. On my schedule (which I also need to get back to) tea time is listed as "Tea with God" because more times that not it's during tea time that I feel the closest to Him, or maybe more precisely, that I feel Him closer to me.

Following the tracks of my relaxing mind this morning was difficult. Usually my brain will tell me what's wrong if I just settle enough to really listen, which is where tea time comes it; it helps me be still and settled enough for my brain to untangle itself and show me where the problems are. Today, though... wow. The tour my brain took me on today shows me exactly why I've been feeling so off lately and why this moody feeling has been so persistent. In short, I've overloaded myself.

I traced everything I'm feeling now back to April 21. Though I wasn't feeling well physically, I was doing fine emotionally until I got that wicked sun burn on the 23rd and had to give up (admit failure) on the 30-Day Organizational Challenge on the 26th. Things have gone down hill from there. For the first week I sat in semi-darkness, smearing and re-smearing aloe gel over the burned areas, only able to sleep in blocks of two to four hours before the pain woke me. Gradually I was able to sleep for longer periods of time, but I found myself awake at night and sleeping through the days more times than not. Though I was able to move more and was in less general pain during the second week, I was still pretty helpless, and more than that, I was useless. By the beginning of the third week, I had much of my range of motion back, but my sleep patterns were still horribly disrupted and my schedule was completely lost.

Sidebar for a little time line, because events and their ripples begin to overlap. For the majority of the second week I was suffering with that sunburn (April 29 - May 5) my eyes bothered me. On May 7, I woke late in the morning to find that there had been a stranger in my apartment while I was sleeping. On May 12, A. and I went to a Home Buying Seminar event. Confirmed pink eye ruled the time between May 11 and today. On May 18, I woke up somewhere between 4 and 5am and threw up so violently that I hurt my back. There were other things, little things, throughout the entire time period, but those are the highlights.

Now back to the tale.

I figured the trouble I was having with my eyes was from lack of quality sleep and being constantly on the verge of being dehydrated. I didn't find out until May 11 (which marked the end of the third week of sunburn recovery) that I had a mild case of pink eye that the doctor said was probably trying to go away on its own (it does that??) but kept returning because I was trying to get back to my normal day schedule and kept putting my contacts in. Pink eye sucks. Anyone who's ever had it can tell you that, but I'm here to tell you that even a mild case of pink eye sucks. All the same light sensitivity (in already light sensitive eyes) without all the redness and sympathy because "you don't look sick". The week following the diagnosis (this past week; May 13 - May 19) has left me - again - in a semi-darkened room in my glasses... which is my body's cue for me to sleep. Any progress I'd made toward getting back on schedule has been lost this past week.

Waking up to find that someone has been in your home while you were sleeping is very unsettling, and even more so when you sleep in the buff. It was "only" the bug-spray guy, but the guys hired to do the job are usually quite unsavory and I don't even let them in when I'm awake. The areas that are routinely sprayed are the kitchen and the bathroom - the two tiled areas in the apartment. To get to the bathroom, one has to walk directly past my bedroom door. So many things bother me about that day that I don't even know where to begin. My biggest question is Why didn't I wake up?? I know whoever it was didn't knock. They never knock when I'm here and don't see them coming. They just use their pass key and start to come in. Would I have woken up had they knocked? Probably. Maybe. With my sleeping patterns so off right now, I can't be sure. And that scares me. I'm not used to not feeling secure when I sleep anymore. It's playing havoc with my already out of whack sleeping patterns, and I'm desperate to get back to my version of "normal" before the end of the week when school gets out. While nothing really happened (that I know of - and I'd like to think that I'd have woken up if he'd touched me) beyond my sense of security being shattered in the street, I know that had something happened, I'd muddle through and survive. What bothers me more is the thought of what could have happened if K. had been home.. and sleeping... right next to the bathroom... and what could have happened. I try not to dwell on it, try not to think about it at all, but it's a thought that's there, buried deep inside my brain, and my sense of security is completely gone because according to the apartment management, the bug guy has the right to come in and spray even though I've asked time and time again for him (them?) not to because of my schedule. Just... never mind my right to feel safe and secure in my own home.

The Home Buying Seminar was less spectacular than I expected, and less helpful than I expected. Most of what we found out we already knew, but there were some nuggets of valuable information amidst everything we had already learned for ourselves. I guess that's what happens, though, when you have two self-learners/teachers in one household. Basically, because of those valuable nuggets of information we found, A. and I walked away from the event with the idea that we do not have to wait for another two or three years before we can buy a house. It's possible that we can afford to buy one before the end of the year. I'm not sure if it's probable or not, but it would seem that it is possible. Normally, especially in light of strangers being in my home recently, I'd see this as a good thing, but it has me stressed. I'm not sure why. It could be any number of things (being trapped at home for the past month but not being able to clean let alone find the missing documentation we need to fill out a loan application, the unsettling feeling that something bad is looming just over the horizon, the need to make sure the credit reports are straightened out but having to wait a little longer before that can be seen to, financial issues, etc.) or any combination of those things. And there's still research to do. Research that I can't get to because I'm almost a full month behind in cleaning and everything else... and trying to play catch up while still not functioning at 100% is wreaking all sorts of havoc on me to the point that I'm stalled, not knowing what needs to be done first, what's more important, what needs and/or deserves my focus the most.

I don't know why I woke up Friday morning to vomit so violently. All I know is that I did, and the vertebrae that's bothered me all my life feels like it's slipped just a wee bit out of place again. Not enough to warrant a doctor's visit (or going through x-rays and MRIs... again) because the doctor will only tell me I need to lose weight and offer me muscle relaxants (standard procedure with them, and just never mind that I've had this problem since I was 14 and weighed what the doctors said I should) but enough to be bothersome and keep me more or less immobile. And the muscles around it are all bunched up. This used to happen quite frequently when I was young. I remember being a teen and sitting in church with my elbows on my knees, hunched forward while my mother would rub that spot with two fingers - one on either side of my spine - all through services. Hunching forward like that was always less painful than sitting up straight (I could... and can... feel something grinding and pinching when I sit up straight) and her touch eased the pain further, and sometimes it would even relax the muscles enough that the vertebrae could go back to where it belonged. That's a painful "pop" but one that feels so much better afterward.

And through everything, I have to watch my husband come home from work and tend to the things that I haven't been able to get to during the day. I swing wildly between the feeling that I'm not needed and the feeling that I'm failing my family.

I feel lazy and useless.

I feel off balance.

I feel... broken.

And there's so much to do: catch up on the cleaning, advance on the cleaning, declutter... everything, prepare for hurricane season, check the credit reports, get my social security card reissued, prepare for a summer with K. at home with me 24/7 so that we're not sitting around watching tv and playing xbox every day, find the (missing?? how can it be missing??) documentation we'll need to apply for a loan to get a house, get passports for all three of us, dental appointments, doctor visits, car maintenance, upgrade the anti-virus program... and so much more, that's not even counting the recreational activities I want to be doing (reading, studying, working on chain maille, crocheting, exercising, wood burning, playing with K., etc.).

So where's the reset button? How do I stop playing catch up? Because I know there's no real way I'll ever catch up. I have to start over from this point, or some future point, in time. I got knocked off track for a month. I have to find a way to get back on track. I'm just not sure how. Right now I don't know where to start. Everything I start to do seems to be in direct opposition to something else that also needs to be tended to.

Maybe I need to stop stressing and worrying and take a break. Just throw everything to the wind and go have fun with K. at the zoo or park, then whatever I happen to pick up first when I get back gets my full attention until it's done with no thoughts about anything else that needs to get done.

A little of this, a little of that

My eye was feeling much better today, but I decided to go to let some doctor-type person poke at it anyway.

He didn't poke at it much, but he was terribly impressed amused by my eye patch. Um... this... is my eye patch.


Yeah. If I'm gonna have to wear a patch, I'm doing it in style. Um. My style, but it's still a style.

Anyway, the diagnosis was that - for the past two, almost three, weeks - I've had a mild case of pink eye. In... just... the right eye. No trace of it in the left. Which is... really... beyond weird considering that my fingers are in both my eyes all the time. I wear contacts, take them out and put them in daily, always start with the right eye, and never ever wash my hands between eyes. How I don't have it in my left eye is just weird. And then there's the fact that it's been coming and going. Just... weird. But that's the diagnosis, and I now have some $68 antibiotic/steroid drop things to put in my eye four times a day for the next seven days. Wee.

Despite the complete and utter lack of accomplishment on anything else today (due to being on the phone most of the day with the insurance company), I have made more progress on Project: movie clearance.

Movies viewed in the past 26 hours: Chances Are, Quigley Down Under, Deceived, and The Hand That Rocks the Cradle.

Quigley Down Under and The Hand That Rocks the Cradle are both going on my master wish list for movies.

Tomorrow is going to be a long day. A. and I are going to a Home Buyer's Fair and Seminar tomorrow morning. It's supposed to last from 10am to 2pm. I think we have to be there around 9am. The blurb for it it reads:

You're invited to attend a FREE seminar where you'll learn all about purchasing a new home. After this 4 hour seminar, you'll be prepared and confident about buying your home from start to finish!

So... yeah. We'll see. Hopefully we'll come away from it having some idea of how to proceed in both finding and buying the house I we want. We've already done a lot of research, but still feel pretty overwhelmed. We're hoping this seminar will help clear up a few things. This last incident was just the last straw. The push is on, and on hard, to get out of this apartment (and out of apartments all together) and into a house where we can control the security a little better (like changing the locks any time I feel like it, and installing additional security measures). My home is supposed to be my safe haven, and this apartment is not that. No apartment is. I do not feel safe in apartments anymore. There's too much personal history preventing that safe feeling.

I guess that's it for me. My thoughts are a little scattered (I'm actually tired!!) and my eye is starting to bother me. Off to bed I go.

Project: movie clearance update

This will be far shorter than I had planned, and not on topic, either. Why? Because my eye is driving me mad. Just the one. The right one. It feels like there's something in it - soap or something - and has for several days, on and off, but it's getting worse and has been particularly bothersome today. I don't know why. Not only that, but the eyelid is sort of... puffy... just a little swollen. And a little droopy. And almost constantly tearing. It's no better or worse with my contact in or out. Nothing seems to soothe it. I've tried flushing it out. I've tried patching it. I've tried heat. I've tried cold. If it keeps it up, I'll be heading down to the walk-in clinic. I just don't know if I'll break down and do it Friday or Saturday.

Thanks to my eye, I really didn't get much accomplished. Lots of laundry and a couple of movies from the project: movie clearance pile.

So.

Movies of the day:

This Gun For Hire, Into the Badlands, and Dream a Little Dream (amazon link here - on DVD, too!! - 'cause I want that one).

There was also a tape full of... episodes... from tv shows such as ER, Friends, Veronica's Closet. I didn't watch the whole tape. But I did get rid of it.

So! Progress. One tape down, and another is slotted for disposal (after I go back and get the name of the book the movie was based on and the author's name). I'm working on a third tape already.

So, how off schedule am I?

I mentioned in my last entry that I was completely off schedule because of the sun burn I was suffering through recently. Part of my healing process is lots of sleep. Unfortunately, while it was great for ignoring the pain and healing, all that 'round the clock sleeping I did for a week threw me way off schedule. Some may wonder, "How off schedule could you possibly be?" Well, let me tell you.

I went to bed at 6.30 (edt) this morning. It took almost an hour before I fell asleep. The last thing I remember is sighing at the cats and asking them why I wasn't asleep yet when I looked at the clock and saw it was 7.07am. They both purred at me and snuggled a bit closer, and I was asleep not long after. I didn't get out of bed until just after 12.30 (edt) in the afternoon.

That's how off schedule I am. I'm supposed to be getting up between 4am and 5.30am, and I've not even slept yet by then! I'm back to this schedule where I'm up until dawn then asleep until noon(ish).

So what if my schedule is a little off and I'm keeping vampire-ish hours? It may seem like nothing, no big deal, to a lot of people, but it matters to me. When I sleep half the day away like this, I feel lazy. Never mind that I was up all night puttering around, picking up this bit of clutter and fussing with that bit of laundry (ok, ok, or reading). I feel like I've wasted half the day I could have spent doing... anything... with my family. I get frustrated because we could have gone on a picnic, or to the zoo, or on a photograph hunt, or... anything. But no, I was sleeping. Again. Because I was up all night. Again. I get angry with myself (and snap at people around me), then I start feeling like a failure because I can't even sleep like a normal person. And try as I might not to have them, it's just such unbidden and unwelcome thoughts that always lead to a depressive episode that has me out of commission for days, sometimes weeks. Human emotions are just weird that way. We can't always control them, no matter how hard we try.

I do believe I'll have to do something drastic in coming days to snap myself back to being diurnal. The only questions are Which day? and Do I snap this cycle by sleeping through a full day and night, or do I do it by not sleeping at all one day? Both would work, but both are bound to produce a most unproductive day - either because I'm asleep or because I'm doing zombie impressions - and the not sleeping option is sure to have me whining about being tired, suffering a headache, and snapping at people unnecessarily because I'm so tired that my patience has curled up somewhere in the corner of my mind to take a nap without me. Both will leave me feeling groggy and out of sorts for a few days, but with reinforced sleeping patterns (where I actually go to bed at night whether I'm tired or not and get dragged out of bed by 5am, no matter how little sleep I managed to get) I'll be better off in a week or two.

Whichever course of action I decide upon, the bottom line is that I need to be diurnal. If I were alone, with husband and child, the whole nocturnal thing would work. But I'm not, so I must be diurnal in order to give my family the attention it needs.

And sun burns aside, seeing daylight and being outside, being in the sun every once in a while is just good for me.

Menu; rewind, repeat.

This past week was a miserable failure on my part. A. keeps pointing out that I was BURNED but, yeah, that really doesn't make me feel much better. I know I was burned to the point that I couldn't do anything, but it still feels like I failed for the week. I guess that's an internal issue I need to work on.

Even with A. getting home early (Wednesday instead of Friday), last week's menu was completely thrown out the window. He neither had the time nor the inclination to prepare the dishes I had planned, and I was in no shape to do anything but sit and sleep.

On the plus side, though, K. (sort of) got over that "I can't" thing and learned that she CAN... at least when it comes to cooking. She's quick to point out that I talked her through it, and I'm just as quick to point out that I only talked her through it the first couple of times and the last few times she made grilled cheese sandwiches, I didn't even know she was until I smelled them! She's still VERY hesitant to drain boiling noodles, but otherwise she can cook them without much assistance. All in all, I'm VERY proud of her. Now, if I can just keep that momentum rolling forward...

I'm still suffering through the burns, but they're subsiding quicker now. Not quite as quickly as the sun's love normally fades on me, but quick enough, I suppose. The range of motion in both arms is getting a little wider with each passing day, and by Tuesday morning I hope to be able to wear a shirt (and wash my hair) with very little pain.

Also, this Tuesday there's an open house at the middle school K. will be at next year from 6pm to 7pm, and that same night, she has a bell concert and has to be at (her current) school before 630pm. I talked to the vice-principal of next year's school, explained the situation and he said to show up around 545pm for the open house. We won't be able to make the whole tour and stuff, but he'll personally greet us and try to show us around a bit until the first tour starts. This makes Tuesday evening extremely cramped for time. We'll have to leave here no later than 515pm and won't get back until close to 8pm. I have NO clue what to do for dinner that night as there won't be any breaks for fast food stops, and we either eat around 4/430pm or not until after 8pm.

And Friday... oye. K. has a field trip to MGM Studios (in Orlando) on Friday and A. is playing chaperone. They have to be at school before 7am Friday morning and won't get back until after 7pm that night. Dinner? Who knows. Chances are I'll be by myself, and I'm not entirely sure they'll want to eat when they get home. And me? I'd just as soon eat a grilled cheese sandwich if I'm by myself for dinner.

So the menu this week? Yeah, a bit of "rewind, repeat" going on here, with a few minor tweaks. Sometimes life just works out that way.

Sunday: lunch: sandwiches/soup/leftovers (clean out the refrigerator time!)
        dinner: spaghetti and meatballs, salad, bread
Monday: breaded cod, baked potatoes, broccoli, mixed vegetables
Tuesday: ??? Chick-fil-A
Wednesday: rice and beans, salad, toasted garlic bread
Thursday: Ginger Pork, rice, broccoli Chick-fil-A
Friday: ??? (possibly butter (lima) beans, hoe cakes, salad OR a grilled cheese sandwich for me) Ginger Pork, rice, broccoli
Saturday: lunch: leftovers/sandwiches/soup (possibly home made pizza, depending on how I feel by then and what's on the agenda)
        dinner: Simple Taco Meat with homemade tortillas (still not sure about making my own tortillas), buttery peas & rice (recipe on the same page and just below the taco meat one) more leftovers


[edit] And a quote. Because when I saw it, I liked it. And more people in this world need to be reminded...

"For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin (real life) but there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life." ~ Alfred D'Souza

Failure.

Sadly, I'm out of the challenge.

I don't know which hurts worse; the failure or the burns.

On Monday afternoon I was stupid enough to stand outside in the parking lot for five hours and am now suffering through the serious burns that resulted. I'm not sure what condition(s) was (were) so different that day than all those other days I've been outside, but... sometimes things like this just happen.

How bad could this sun burn be, you ask?

Well, first let me say that I'm a natural blond and my skin tends to soak up sun like a sponge. Sometimes slower, sometimes faster. I rarely ever put any sort of sun block on (often opting instead for "tanning" products) and almost never have to pamper a burn after exposure to the sun. Normally, when I spend several hours out in the sun, I get red, the next day I'm pink, and the day after I'm whatever shade of tan my skin has settled on. Very rarely does any portion of the "red" stage hurt.

So how bad am I? Today, right now, I'm about 5 hours away from three full days since the moment when I finally came in out of the sun on Monday, and the aloe gel with lidocaine that K. has been slathering all over my outer shoulders and upper arms both day and night still doesn't do squat for me. The cold wet rags being put on my skin? If you remove them 5-7 minutes later, they're quite warm (K. pointed that out with a shocked gasp yesterday evening), and well on their way to being dried onto my skin a hour later. My skin glows red and is showing almost no fading in color, even around the edges. At least I didn't blister.

A. (who finally made it home last night) has told me to "sit and rest", and that's pretty much what I do. With minimal pain I can surf the 'net (which has led to some great finds in the financial field) but I get twitchy after too long and want to get up and walk around. Typing is slightly painful, and I find that not only am I slower, but I'm also missing keys more than usual with the limited range of motion. Reading is on the agenda, but with some difficulty; holding the book up is slightly painful and turning the pages is pretty painful, but I'm working on it. Eating is out of the question unless someone has the foresight enough to leave something prepared for me where I can reach it without moving my arms too much; I'm finding biscotti and water to be a quite satisfying these past few days. Cleaning myself in any manner is excruciatingly painful, and today is the first day I've not managed a shower (yet. That may change later. I'm waiting for the acete... aceta... generic Tylenol to kick in). I doze a lot, sitting here in my chair in the mostly darkened apartment, and have "comfort movies" playing (GoldenEye [James Bond... umm... 1995? 1996? I don't feel like looking it up] has been playing since late last night, partly because it hurts too much to reach up to the vcr and change it out for something else).

But cleaning? Moving around and... moving? Not a chance. Such activities are forbidden to me right now, and oddly, I'm not too inclined to fight against such restrictions. While I'm not happy about the lack of activity and the failure with the challenge, and watching my family do MY JOB is agonizing to my soul, I'm content to sit in the dark and doze my way through this pain. When I can put a shirt again without sobbing frantically because the shirt touches my skin, I'll reclaim my activities. Until then... I rest, I read, I heal.

Ooooowwwwe....

I think there's a very good chance the sun burn is worse than I initially thought. Possibly much worse, but I won't know that until later tonight or tomorrow morning.

I am burned. I hardly slept last night for the pain of the burn, which a rare thing for me. Normally I don't get BURNED and when I do get tomato red, it rarely ever hurts. This HURTS.

And I have chills and a low grade fever. Aside from the pain of the burn and the chills, though, I feel great. Especially on an emotional and mental level. Well, except the exhaustion from not sleeping much last night. And the mild dehydration. I could use another gallon or three of water and a nice long nap.

I think, despite living in the Sunshine State, I don't see the sun enough. I've not actively tracked it, but I've noticed over the past few months that being outside in the sunshine tends to completely banish the depressive episodes when they happen. And I've noticed that those depressive episodes tend to happen when I've been inside for days at a time, only venturing out just at sunrise or sunset, and never really getting any sunlight.

With that in mind, I think I'll have to make sure that I venture beyond my apartment walls at least once every day or two, for no less than half an hour. I can't let it go beyond two days or I start feeling run down, both emotionally and physically, and I think more than half an hour would be too much. Of course, I'll have to wait until after this burn is healed, because I can't see me doing much more over the next few days than trying to cat-nap while wrapped in cold wet rags.

Maybe.

Doing the cat-nap in cold wet rags thing is the ONLY thing on my agenda for today until time to take K. back to school tonight for the 5th Grade Level Performance. By the time I have to get ready for that, I'll know more about how bad this burn really is. It'll be close to 24 hours by the time I have to get dressed and leave for school tonight, and if I'm still in as much pain as I'm in now, then this burn is way bad. With any luck, the pain will have subsided a great deal by then, but I'm thinking I may not be that lucky this time.

So if anyone wants me, I'm cat-napping with my arms wrapped in cold wet rags, and probably shivering myself silly.

Have a good day, world.

I got sun...

You know you're sun burned when the aloe gel you smear on one arm is completely dried before you're even done smearing the other arm.

But I feel better.

I guess whatever bug was occupying my body decided that five hours in the sun (on black top, no less) wasn't its idea of fun, and left.

On the down side of that, I'm fried. I mean REALLY fried, too.

But, I am a natural blond and my skin, though it does burn from time to time, tends to tolerate the sun's fiery kiss much better than another's. It's rare that I have to use aloe gel (it's most often reserved for A. and K.) and I have every faith that I'll be fine in a few days... if it even takes that long. The real tale of how bad this burn is will be told tomorrow morning when I get out of bed.

Also, A. thinks he'll be coming home Wednesday. There's no confirmation on that, though. He'll find out more tomorrow.

I need a nap.