Sunday, May 6, 2007

So, how off schedule am I?

I mentioned in my last entry that I was completely off schedule because of the sun burn I was suffering through recently. Part of my healing process is lots of sleep. Unfortunately, while it was great for ignoring the pain and healing, all that 'round the clock sleeping I did for a week threw me way off schedule. Some may wonder, "How off schedule could you possibly be?" Well, let me tell you.

I went to bed at 6.30 (edt) this morning. It took almost an hour before I fell asleep. The last thing I remember is sighing at the cats and asking them why I wasn't asleep yet when I looked at the clock and saw it was 7.07am. They both purred at me and snuggled a bit closer, and I was asleep not long after. I didn't get out of bed until just after 12.30 (edt) in the afternoon.

That's how off schedule I am. I'm supposed to be getting up between 4am and 5.30am, and I've not even slept yet by then! I'm back to this schedule where I'm up until dawn then asleep until noon(ish).

So what if my schedule is a little off and I'm keeping vampire-ish hours? It may seem like nothing, no big deal, to a lot of people, but it matters to me. When I sleep half the day away like this, I feel lazy. Never mind that I was up all night puttering around, picking up this bit of clutter and fussing with that bit of laundry (ok, ok, or reading). I feel like I've wasted half the day I could have spent doing... anything... with my family. I get frustrated because we could have gone on a picnic, or to the zoo, or on a photograph hunt, or... anything. But no, I was sleeping. Again. Because I was up all night. Again. I get angry with myself (and snap at people around me), then I start feeling like a failure because I can't even sleep like a normal person. And try as I might not to have them, it's just such unbidden and unwelcome thoughts that always lead to a depressive episode that has me out of commission for days, sometimes weeks. Human emotions are just weird that way. We can't always control them, no matter how hard we try.

I do believe I'll have to do something drastic in coming days to snap myself back to being diurnal. The only questions are Which day? and Do I snap this cycle by sleeping through a full day and night, or do I do it by not sleeping at all one day? Both would work, but both are bound to produce a most unproductive day - either because I'm asleep or because I'm doing zombie impressions - and the not sleeping option is sure to have me whining about being tired, suffering a headache, and snapping at people unnecessarily because I'm so tired that my patience has curled up somewhere in the corner of my mind to take a nap without me. Both will leave me feeling groggy and out of sorts for a few days, but with reinforced sleeping patterns (where I actually go to bed at night whether I'm tired or not and get dragged out of bed by 5am, no matter how little sleep I managed to get) I'll be better off in a week or two.

Whichever course of action I decide upon, the bottom line is that I need to be diurnal. If I were alone, with husband and child, the whole nocturnal thing would work. But I'm not, so I must be diurnal in order to give my family the attention it needs.

And sun burns aside, seeing daylight and being outside, being in the sun every once in a while is just good for me.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I'm glad the burm is a bit better. I hear you on the sleep thing. It is very very important. I had a really bad insomnia episode a few months back. I finally broke down and took some walmart brand sleep aid for a few days to get back on schedule. The most important thing for me is too keep to a regular schedule with bedtime.

I hope it clears up for you soon!